Why More Couples Are Divorcing at Older Ages (and After More Years of Marriage) Than Before — and What You Can Do to Avoid It

Baby boomers have gotten credit for all kinds of societal trends, from the counterculture to consumerism. Now they’re behind what’s known as “gray divorce” — couples calling it quits in middle age or older, often after decades of marriage.

But what’s behind it? And how can you keep from getting swept up in that trend?

Evidence Shows Marriage Is Good for Your Health … Usually

Although part of the explanation appears to be that healthier people are more likely to get married, there could be a lot of other reasons. “Married couples tend to have more resources than their unmarried counterparts,” says Susan L. Brown, PhD, a distinguished professor of sociology at Bowling Green State University and a codirector of the National Center for Family and Marriage Research. “Social support could play a role as well. A spouse can remind you to go to the doctor or encourage healthy habits,” she says.

But such research doesn’t mean that all marriages are good for health on an individual level.

“We know that staying in a low-quality marriage can be very detrimental for individual health and well-being,” Dr. Brown says. “When you look a little deeper, marriage is protective for individual health and longevity when couples are in satisfying and rewarding marriages, but in marriages that are low-quality and full of conflict, the outcomes are significantly worse on average.”

Why Has ‘Gray Divorce’ Become More Common?

There are likely many factors contributing to why more older couples are getting divorced now than in previous generations. One reason, Brown suggests, is that the meaning of marriage has shifted. “Our cultural script or expectations for what constitutes marital success have changed over time,” she says.

A good marriage is now defined by expectations such as “Does this marriage make me happier as a person?” and “Is my marriage contributing to my self-fulfillment?” says Brown. “If the answer is no, then divorce may be viewed as an acceptable solution,” she says.

Also, more women are financially independent than in the past, and have a pathway out of an unsatisfying marriage that women of previous generations may not have had, Brown says.

Finally, older divorce may be more common than at any other time in history for a simple reason: People are living longer, says Brown. If you survive to age 65, you may live another 20 years, which is a long time to spend with someone you’re no longer happy with, she says. “You might want to call it quits.”

How to Strengthen Romantic Relationships at Any Age

Staying connected and growing together with your spouse or long-term partner can help you better cope with whatever life throws your way at any age. Here are six tips for doing just that.

1. Remember What Made You Fall in Love With Your Partner

When you’re with someone for many years, you may stop seeing their positive qualities, and instead focus on all the things they do that are annoying or disappointing, says Jane Greer, PhD, a New York City–based marriage and family therapist and the author of several books on healthy relationships, including What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship.

“I encourage couples to think back to why they first fell in love with each other and what they found so appealing and attractive about the other person,” she says.

“By remembering who that person was and how they made you feel, it can help rekindle desire and excitement.”

2. Get Curious About Your Partner

When you first fall in love with a person, you’re very curious about what they’re thinking and feeling, but couples who have been married for a long time can lose that, says Harville Hendrix, PhD, a couples therapist and a coauthor (with his wife, who is also a couples therapist) of Getting the Love You Want. “Curiosity is when I show interest in you as a person without it necessarily being driven by anything I need. It’s really important in a relationship — and it’s sexy,” he says.

When your partner is talking to you, instead of waiting for your turn to interject a story or comment of your own, Dr. Hendrix suggests really listening. Ask, “Can you tell me more about that?” Giving your partner your full attention makes them feel valued and safe, and promotes bonding between the two of you, he adds.

3. Respect Boundaries

Good boundaries are more important than ever given that work, school, and many other aspects of home life can all take place under one roof, says Hendrix. “If your partner is in the middle of something and you walk up to them and start talking — even if it’s to give them a compliment — the other person can view this as an interruption to what they were thinking or feeling,” he says.

If you want to decrease conflict and increase the chances that your partner will be open to what you have to say, check in with them first. “Start interactions by asking your partner, ‘Is now a good time?’ and give them a chance to respond,” says Hendrix. If they say no, respect that answer.

4. Shake Things Up — Plan Something New to Both of You

Although long marriages can mean years of shared experiences that bring you closer, there’s also a risk you’ll end up in a rut, says Dr. Greer. “If you’re always seeing the same friends and going to the same spots, changing things up can improve your relationship,” she says.

New experiences give you something to share and bond over, she says.

5. Ask for What You Want — but Nicely

“If you want something different from your partner, make a request,” Hendrix suggests. Whether it’s something simple like dividing household chores or more significant like how frequently you have sex, ask for what you want in a clear and direct way, says Hendrix. “This is more beneficial and easier to understand than being told you’re doing something wrong or that you need to stop doing something,” he says.

6. If You’re Not Happy Sexually, Talk About It

If one partner isn’t as interested in sex as the other person, if the times you feel desire aren’t aligning schedule-wise, or if sex feels less satisfying than it used to, don’t ignore the problem, Greer says. Talking to a professional, such as a sex therapist, can help you gain clarity about the situation and how it might be improved, she says.

“I would encourage the couple to try to be as clear as possible with each other in terms of what they each want. By being open and addressing the disparity, we can then try to bridge it,” says Greer. Each person should feel as though their sexual wants and needs are acknowledged before they begin work on what the solutions might be, she says.